So today is one of "those" days. I feel very emotional and very sad today and not at all like my usual self.
Today my beautiful friend should be celebrating her daughters 9th birthday and instead, she is grieving because today is the first birthday Ali isn't here to celebrate with!!! It breaks my heart.
That, coupled with the fact that I got the phone call from school yesterday I never wanted to get. Caitlin had a seizure at school. For those of you that live with epilepsy on a daily basis, you are probably thinking "what's the big deal." We don't live with epilepsy every day and have only had half a dozen seizures in her life but they have all been big ones, that have been difficult to stop and have gone on for hours. One time she ended up on the ventilator to try and stop it. So, when I got the call yesterday, I went straight to panic mode! Thankfully, she did stop herself after a couple of minutes.
It was a complex partial seizure and once she had stopped, she then proceeded to vomit for the next few hours and was really distressed. I had to drive home on my own with her in the back of the car vomiting a number of times. I took all of the back roads because I knew that my eyes would be as much on her as on the road and with the precious cargo I had on board, I wanted to get them all home safely.
I drove very slowly but I was a nervous wreck the whole way. We did get home in one piece though!
It does feel a bit like this year just isn't our year with Caitlin. She has had a really tough one and her health has really suffered. My fear is that this is a sign of things to come and that her little body is just going to find it harder and harder each year! We are approaching the puberty stage so I know lots of kids struggle with this and that's not just the kids with special needs. Maybe there struggles are different, but they all struggle through! The large majority come out of it at the other end just fine so that is what I've got to keep into perspective. I know Paul has these same fears, he's tried to tell me about them but I always shut him down as quick as I can. I think it's a denial thing, if I don't hear it out load, it won't come true. Not just that but I do think its really hard to hear these fears about a person you love more than anything else in this world. I don't want anyone talking about any of my babies like that - it hurts too much!!! So I chose instead to write it down and not have a discussion about - just put my thoughts and feelings out there.
I think Ali's birthday coupled with Caitlin's seizure has got me feeling a bit pissed off at the world today, some days it all just seems so incredibly unfair on the little people who have done nothing but bring joy and love into this world, and I guess if I'm going to be honest, it has me very frightened. That "what if its me one day" thought keeps popping into my head. What if I'm the one celebrating Caitlin's birthday without her. I couldn't bare it, I wouldn't want to bear it. So I guess today I have to think of Ali but then also remember that she has taught me to love and appreciate every moment I have with all of my kids and not just Caitlin cos I have four beautiful, completely irresistible babies who I love more than they will ever realise.
So, on that note, I'm going to go now and not worry about the stupid, mundane things I get caught up in, like dishes and mopping floors and today, I'm going to honour Ali's memory by spending good, fun, quality time with my kids because I can xx