But then I would take a deep breathe, have a cry and remember that I am just "stuck in a moment". I would think of Ali's Mum and the loss and devastation she was feeling and how she would give anything and everything to be able to hold her baby one more time and I would let " that moment " pass.
Eventually I asked for help. I took her to PMH and felt a sense of relief straight away.
I fight taking her to the hospital. I think sometimes I feel like I'm failing by asking for help. I hate the guilt that I feel for putting my family and my friends out because they have to help me with babysitting and meals etc. I hate the fact that I don't get to put my babies to bed every night and kiss them good night and smell them when they are all clean and in their pj's. I hate sleeping I the chairs at the hospital and the. I hate it when we'll meaning people try and tell me to go home and leave Caitlin. I hate watching Caitlin go through what she has to go through. I hate the crap food they try and make her eat but most of all, I hate that this is part of her life and always will be and I hate the fact that there might be a time when I don't get to take her home. That thought frightens the shit out of me!!!
She is well and truly on the mend now and she is laughing and smiling like the Caitlin we all know and love. We are at a real crossroads with eating. She has the ng tube down and for the first time in years she is gaining weight. I can see it and I can feel it. I have always fought to not let the PEG become a part of Caitlin ( that's where she gets fed through her belly button) because she can eat, and used to really enjoy eating and it's a social thing and it's the ONLY thing she has any control over. If she doesn't want to eat, she can refuse!!!!
But feeding her has become quite traumatic for Legs and I. We have battled for so long and so hard that neither of us have much patience left and we both are completely over wearing Caitlin's food on our face and in our hair. Plus she struggles with her weight.
Legs wants the PEG put in and while I can see how this will make our life easier, I can't convince myself that that is a good enough reason to put caitlin through surgery, take away her social skills of eating but most importantly, take away the little bit of control she has. I know once the PEG gets put in, we won't feed her orally anymore, or if we do it will be rarely because it is quicker, easier and less stress to just tube feed her. It will become too convenient. I'm so sure if I can give her a bit more time, she will eat beautifully again and enjoy her food. I just hope I'm right!!!!
I need to go to bed now but I have really enjoyed sharing a tiny bit of what's in my head and I will write more, I need to!!!!!
Until next time.........