Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sorry, iPad playing up, this is a continuation

If I ignored it, it would probably go away and I wouldn't have to face the operating table again. Well, she did hang on and my mothers instinct finally kicked in and I started doing whatever it took to keep this baby.
My first appointment back at Fertility North had me in a complete state and I ended up running out of the room hyperventilating as the fear and anxiety overtook me. This lead to the Drs organising for me to see a psych attached to the clinic. I was eager to go and get some help because I knew I couldn't let this become me, this was not me and I couldn't afford to let it overtake me.
I went to the first appointment with the psych and to sayi was disappointed is a gross understatement. She was a joke and I knew she was not the lady for me. Telling me to lay there and think of flying over waterfalls wasn't going to cut it. I thought she was an idiot and so I stopped listening to anything she had to say. I was just sad that I had blown $150 on her.
At this point I started reading everything and anything on the net I could find.
I found a programme that you paid for on the net for a minimal fee called 'Panic Away' and it was one of the best things I did. It explained so much to me. The crazy thing was, the rational side of my brain knew that I was never in danger of dying when I had Tom, that it was all a drug induced state and that I was under the best care the whole time but I couldn't get myself to really believe it. It's a hard thing for me to explain to anyone, even legs who was watching me go through it all. I could rationalise it all but it didn't stop me fearing or truly believing I wasn't going to die having this next baby.
So between the panic away program and my new psych at King Edward Memorial Hospital (who was great and didn't try anything other than listening to my fears, acknowledging where they had come from and then giving me strategies to get past them), I did managed to get through the nine months and even got through the delivery without a complete melt down. I was extremely scared, and medicated on the day for anxiety and i only told them once to get me off the table  cos i couldn't do it but I did do it and was rewarded with the most precious baby girl in Molly!!!

The whole experience taught me a lot about myself and how strong yet vulnerable I am. It taught me how powerful the mind is and while I have the anxiety under control now, I know that it is always there and ready to pop out and challenge me again. I feel like I have a better understanding for mental health now than I did before, or though I still really struggle with people who won't or can't help themselves. I think I am strong and I think I did win that battle but I also know if you to,d me tomorrow I had to go under a GA I would be back to square one! I would have made a pathetic drug user wouldn't I!!!!

So once I got through the pregnancy and birth of Molly, I was left with the most beautiful babe in my arms that I was so incredibly in love with, so determined to protect at all costs and so proud, I wanted everyone to see her and tell me how adorable she is. She is stunning and I just love her with every fibre of my being.

Then there was Caitlin's birthday today. I feel so proud, so happy, so anxious and so scared all at the same time. I am so proud of her, everything about her and her strength of character. She is determined, bright, beautiful, brave and inspiring.
I feel happy because I am very aware at how lucky I am to have her and how lucky I am to have been able to celebrate 12 birthdays with her.
I am anxious because 12 is the last year as a child before she becomes a teenager and with becoming a teenager brings a whole new set of challenges to face, puberty being the biggest and scariest thing but I'm hoping the anticipation of it will be worse than the actual thing. I also worry about her mental health and the impact puberty will have on this. I  know they get hormonal and moody but how will I know what's really going on inside her head and how will I help her through all of that. Not to mention all the changes that occur when becoming a woman - I'm not even going there!!!
And then I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't know how many birthdays I will get with Caitlin. I want another 50 at least but having been to 4 children's funerals now, and watching two very close friends grieve the loss if their babies, I'm scared that one day that could be me. I'm scared that I won't get enough time with her to give her all the experiences that she deserves and that I won't ever truly be able to show her how much I love her and how much she means to me.
So celebrating a first and twelfth birthday in two weeks has been fun and it's been full on and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Watching my four kids all climbing over each other this morning to help Caitlin with her presents was heart warming and it showed me what MY family is all about. It's the unconditional love for each other and pure joy they get from one another that makes me one proud mumma.
On that note, I have to go to sleep so I can get Grace to swimming at 530am or I will be one cranky mumma tomorrow! Night xx

It's been a fortnight of festivities!!!

What a big fortnight it's been in the Lenaghan household!

Last week we celebrated Molly's first birthday and today we are celebrating Caitlin's 12th birthday.

Both massive achievements in themselves and both I have thought about a lot for very different reasons. With Molly's birthday I felt sad, sad because it is the last first birthday our family will celebrate (well until the grandchildren anyway) and I realised that the urge to have more children is still alive and strong in me but unfortunately I can't have anymore.
I am very blessed to have the four that I do have and after having 7 miscarriages between Grace and Tom I am very aware how lucky I am. Each baby I conceived and lost broke my heart and I got to the point where I thought it just wasn't going to happen. How lucky for me that it did happen because I went on to have two of the cutest babes and while they challenge me and my parenting skills often, I love the spunk and personality about them.

My pregnancy with Tom was amazing. When the Dr told me I was pregnant I cried and told her I didn't want to know about it. I told her I knew I would lose it so I didn't want to talk about it, do the testing or think about it, I wanted to shut myself away in my room and cry and not have to go through the loss of another baby.
Legs was amazing and he told me not to lose hope because he knew how much I did want this baby. He was happy to stop at two and said he didn't think he could watch me go through another miscarriage but when we found out I was pregnant, he was my strength and between him and my Dr they got me to Fertility North who got me the treatment I needed to hang onto my boy. It wasn't pleasant and I had to inject myself every day but there was nothing I wouldn't have done to make this baby hang on.

Once we got to the 20 week stage I knew this babe was here to stay and I settled in and LOVED the pregnancy. There is something really special about watching your belly jump up and down and knowing that you are going to meet the little bundle of arms and legs soon.
His delivery on the other hand was traumatic and messed with my head for a long time afterwards.
I am a fairly determined person (legs calls it stubourness)!!!! And I wanted to have Tom naturally. I had already had two caesarians so I had to convince my ob that this was what I wanted. I knew I wanted four babies and I also knew they only liked to do three c sections so that was why I was so determined to go naturally. Things didn't quite go to plan and I ended up with am emergency c section as his heart rate had plummeted and wasn't coming back up. I thought I was going to lose him or have another child with a disability as this is what happened with Caitlin. She did have other complications though.
They got Tom out super fast but I was in a state of panic and then they had to give me some drugs as my uterus wasn't contracting and then they gave me pethadeine. I was off my trolley but I had some reaction to it all and thought I was dying. I kept telling the nursing staff but they just kept saying I
was fine and dismissing me. This isn't a great feeling when you are convinced you are about to take your final breathe. This feeling stayed with me for a long time and when I first saw Tom I wouldn't hold him cos I was sure I was going to die and then I would drop him. It was awful and I hope I never experience anything like it again.
I struggled with this for a long time and it resulted in me having panic attacks which for a while completely overwhelmed me and I didn't even recognise the person I was. It was sooooooo not me.
The first panic attack happened after a day at PMH with Caitlin. She was going under a GA to have Botox injections. I was sitting on her bed with her and they wheeled past a little boy on a bed who was just coming back from theatre and he was fighting to wake up out of the GA. this bought back all of the feelings of fear I had after Tom and that night I got home and lost the plot. I couldn't breathe properly, I couldn't swallow and I was pacing the house. Anxiety is awful and this wasn't the last time this would happen to me.
When I found out I was pregnant with Molly I was terrified. I had always wanted four babes but the anxiety I was struggling with sucked the excitement out of it for me and again sent me into a head spin. I so desperately wanted to be excited but I couldn't get past the fear, especially knowing I was going to have to get on the operating table again.
It was a tough nine months for me and for the first week I knew I was pregnant, I didn't do anything except think that