If I ignored it, it would probably go away and I wouldn't have to face the operating table again. Well, she did hang on and my mothers instinct finally kicked in and I started doing whatever it took to keep this baby.
My first appointment back at Fertility North had me in a complete state and I ended up running out of the room hyperventilating as the fear and anxiety overtook me. This lead to the Drs organising for me to see a psych attached to the clinic. I was eager to go and get some help because I knew I couldn't let this become me, this was not me and I couldn't afford to let it overtake me.
I went to the first appointment with the psych and to sayi was disappointed is a gross understatement. She was a joke and I knew she was not the lady for me. Telling me to lay there and think of flying over waterfalls wasn't going to cut it. I thought she was an idiot and so I stopped listening to anything she had to say. I was just sad that I had blown $150 on her.
At this point I started reading everything and anything on the net I could find.
I found a programme that you paid for on the net for a minimal fee called 'Panic Away' and it was one of the best things I did. It explained so much to me. The crazy thing was, the rational side of my brain knew that I was never in danger of dying when I had Tom, that it was all a drug induced state and that I was under the best care the whole time but I couldn't get myself to really believe it. It's a hard thing for me to explain to anyone, even legs who was watching me go through it all. I could rationalise it all but it didn't stop me fearing or truly believing I wasn't going to die having this next baby.
So between the panic away program and my new psych at King Edward Memorial Hospital (who was great and didn't try anything other than listening to my fears, acknowledging where they had come from and then giving me strategies to get past them), I did managed to get through the nine months and even got through the delivery without a complete melt down. I was extremely scared, and medicated on the day for anxiety and i only told them once to get me off the table cos i couldn't do it but I did do it and was rewarded with the most precious baby girl in Molly!!!
The whole experience taught me a lot about myself and how strong yet vulnerable I am. It taught me how powerful the mind is and while I have the anxiety under control now, I know that it is always there and ready to pop out and challenge me again. I feel like I have a better understanding for mental health now than I did before, or though I still really struggle with people who won't or can't help themselves. I think I am strong and I think I did win that battle but I also know if you to,d me tomorrow I had to go under a GA I would be back to square one! I would have made a pathetic drug user wouldn't I!!!!
So once I got through the pregnancy and birth of Molly, I was left with the most beautiful babe in my arms that I was so incredibly in love with, so determined to protect at all costs and so proud, I wanted everyone to see her and tell me how adorable she is. She is stunning and I just love her with every fibre of my being.
Then there was Caitlin's birthday today. I feel so proud, so happy, so anxious and so scared all at the same time. I am so proud of her, everything about her and her strength of character. She is determined, bright, beautiful, brave and inspiring.
I feel happy because I am very aware at how lucky I am to have her and how lucky I am to have been able to celebrate 12 birthdays with her.
I am anxious because 12 is the last year as a child before she becomes a teenager and with becoming a teenager brings a whole new set of challenges to face, puberty being the biggest and scariest thing but I'm hoping the anticipation of it will be worse than the actual thing. I also worry about her mental health and the impact puberty will have on this. I know they get hormonal and moody but how will I know what's really going on inside her head and how will I help her through all of that. Not to mention all the changes that occur when becoming a woman - I'm not even going there!!!
And then I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't know how many birthdays I will get with Caitlin. I want another 50 at least but having been to 4 children's funerals now, and watching two very close friends grieve the loss if their babies, I'm scared that one day that could be me. I'm scared that I won't get enough time with her to give her all the experiences that she deserves and that I won't ever truly be able to show her how much I love her and how much she means to me.
So celebrating a first and twelfth birthday in two weeks has been fun and it's been full on and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Watching my four kids all climbing over each other this morning to help Caitlin with her presents was heart warming and it showed me what MY family is all about. It's the unconditional love for each other and pure joy they get from one another that makes me one proud mumma.
On that note, I have to go to sleep so I can get Grace to swimming at 530am or I will be one cranky mumma tomorrow! Night xx