What a big fortnight it's been in the Lenaghan household!
Last week we celebrated Molly's first birthday and today we are celebrating Caitlin's 12th birthday.
Both massive achievements in themselves and both I have thought about a lot for very different reasons. With Molly's birthday I felt sad, sad because it is the last first birthday our family will celebrate (well until the grandchildren anyway) and I realised that the urge to have more children is still alive and strong in me but unfortunately I can't have anymore.
I am very blessed to have the four that I do have and after having 7 miscarriages between Grace and Tom I am very aware how lucky I am. Each baby I conceived and lost broke my heart and I got to the point where I thought it just wasn't going to happen. How lucky for me that it did happen because I went on to have two of the cutest babes and while they challenge me and my parenting skills often, I love the spunk and personality about them.
My pregnancy with Tom was amazing. When the Dr told me I was pregnant I cried and told her I didn't want to know about it. I told her I knew I would lose it so I didn't want to talk about it, do the testing or think about it, I wanted to shut myself away in my room and cry and not have to go through the loss of another baby.
Legs was amazing and he told me not to lose hope because he knew how much I did want this baby. He was happy to stop at two and said he didn't think he could watch me go through another miscarriage but when we found out I was pregnant, he was my strength and between him and my Dr they got me to Fertility North who got me the treatment I needed to hang onto my boy. It wasn't pleasant and I had to inject myself every day but there was nothing I wouldn't have done to make this baby hang on.
Once we got to the 20 week stage I knew this babe was here to stay and I settled in and LOVED the pregnancy. There is something really special about watching your belly jump up and down and knowing that you are going to meet the little bundle of arms and legs soon.
His delivery on the other hand was traumatic and messed with my head for a long time afterwards.
I am a fairly determined person (legs calls it stubourness)!!!! And I wanted to have Tom naturally. I had already had two caesarians so I had to convince my ob that this was what I wanted. I knew I wanted four babies and I also knew they only liked to do three c sections so that was why I was so determined to go naturally. Things didn't quite go to plan and I ended up with am emergency c section as his heart rate had plummeted and wasn't coming back up. I thought I was going to lose him or have another child with a disability as this is what happened with Caitlin. She did have other complications though.
They got Tom out super fast but I was in a state of panic and then they had to give me some drugs as my uterus wasn't contracting and then they gave me pethadeine. I was off my trolley but I had some reaction to it all and thought I was dying. I kept telling the nursing staff but they just kept saying I
was fine and dismissing me. This isn't a great feeling when you are convinced you are about to take your final breathe. This feeling stayed with me for a long time and when I first saw Tom I wouldn't hold him cos I was sure I was going to die and then I would drop him. It was awful and I hope I never experience anything like it again.
I struggled with this for a long time and it resulted in me having panic attacks which for a while completely overwhelmed me and I didn't even recognise the person I was. It was sooooooo not me.
The first panic attack happened after a day at PMH with Caitlin. She was going under a GA to have Botox injections. I was sitting on her bed with her and they wheeled past a little boy on a bed who was just coming back from theatre and he was fighting to wake up out of the GA. this bought back all of the feelings of fear I had after Tom and that night I got home and lost the plot. I couldn't breathe properly, I couldn't swallow and I was pacing the house. Anxiety is awful and this wasn't the last time this would happen to me.
When I found out I was pregnant with Molly I was terrified. I had always wanted four babes but the anxiety I was struggling with sucked the excitement out of it for me and again sent me into a head spin. I so desperately wanted to be excited but I couldn't get past the fear, especially knowing I was going to have to get on the operating table again.
It was a tough nine months for me and for the first week I knew I was pregnant, I didn't do anything except think that