It's been years since I've written on caitlins blog and I know no one will be checking it anymore but I have had so much running through my head and so many emotions I've been trying to make sense of that I thought the best thing for me to do was try and write some of it down.
A LOT has happened in the last two years. The biggest change has been our family finally expanding from 4 to 6!!!
A big reason for me to start writing again is because there is this beautiful little girl who I knew who has got her angel wings and gone to heaven and she has had a massive impact on how I think and feel, particularly when it comes to Caitlin.
Her mum writes a lot on fb and I have followed her story and her mums raw emotions through her words and so many of her thought and feelings, fears and concerns I know, because I've thought them or felt them myself but was always so busy "doing" life, I wouldn't let a lot of these thoughts or feelings really surface.
But today as I was driving home and the U2 song "stuck in a moment" came on the iPod and the tears flowed freely down my cheeks without me really realizing it, I knew that maybe it is about time I let some of this "stuff" out.
This song was the song I put on repeat and listened to as I drove home from the hospital everyday when Caitlin was born. I HATED leaving her behind in that huge hospital all alone with no mummy to love and comfort her until I could get back in the morning. I would sob all the way. I was scared for her, for me, for us. I didn't know what the future was going to look like. I did know it wasn't going to look like the future I had planned in my 7 and a half months of pregnancy. I wanted to show my beautiful girl to the whole world and I couldn't - immediate family only in the nursery! I was so proud of her and knew she was the cutest baby I had ever seen. I was angry. I would look out the car window as we would drive home and see all these people driving to their perfect families without a care in the world and I wanted to scream at them all, "don't you understand, my world is crumbling and I can't stop it." Of course with time I know that every person I passed had their own story and their own heart aches to deal with but I couldn't understand at the time how everyone else could be carrying on with a normal life when I was so shattered.
The U2 song used to give me strength because it talks about the fact that this is just a moment in time and if you get yourself together, you will get through. You're just stuck in a moment!!! Well it's just a couple of weeks short of being twelve years since this time in our lives and while that moment has passed and we did all get through it, this song can take me right back there and all those emotions come rushing back.
I didn't understand why this happened to us??? Well I still don't, but I have realized, this didn't happen to me or to Legs, it happened to Caitlin and its my job as her mummy to love her, to cherish her and to be the best mummy I can be because Ali taught me, I don't know how long I have her to love and to cherish.
We have just had another really awful winter with Caitlin. It was hard, at times it was too hard. I didn't always know if we were going to get through it. I had such conflicting thoughts. Caitlin wouldn't stop crying, she wouldn't sleep AT ALL! Some mornings it was 530am before she slept for maybe an hour!!! We were exhausted. She wouldn't eat and spat her food all over us and what she did get in she inhaled, not ate. As a Mum it got to the point where I thought, " I can't stand her anymore!!! She is making life hell for us all and I can't find anything nice about her." she wouldn't stop crying and despite many trips to the Drs there was nothing really wrong with her apart from a "virus". Legs and I were finding it hard to be patient and loving with each other and we were snapping at the other three kids. It was HARD and NO BODY understood!! No body can understand unless they are living it.
It was Ali that helped me and didn't let me give up. It was Ali that stopped me whacking Caitlin in the middle of the night because she wouldn't stop crying and I was exhausted beyond belief.
It was awful to know that I felt this way about my girl. Deep down I always knew I loved her and I would never hurt her but the fact that I wanted to scared me and broke my heart. This is the worst way as a mum to ever feel.